How to Successfully Transition into Being Stay-at-Home Mom

The transition from working mom to stay-at-home motherhood can be… bumpy. 

As a society we often romanticize the idea of being a stay-at-home mom. Reading books, watching movies, and snuggling with our babies all day! What more could a mama want? 

The reality: Stay-at-home momming is a job, and a very difficult one at that. It’s under-appreciated, misunderstood, and don’t forget, unpaid. 

A little fun fact: If stay-at-home moms were to get paid for their efforts, we would be worth $184,820 per year, according to salary.com.

I had the pleasure of collaborating with Madison Nestor Sharick, CFA, CFP from Madi Manages Money, a blog dedicated to educating and empowering mothers to take the reins of family finances.

Madi is a Certified Financial Planner (CFP), Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA), and a stay-at-home mom.

Madi vulnerably speaks to 3 big surprises she experienced during her transition to stay-at-home motherhood. We have a chat. And then, I offer some coping strategies that could work for Madi, and hopefully, you too! Let’s do it!

Surprise 1: My job was my identity

Madi shares about her experience of losing her identity during the switch.

Madi:

My last day of work was eventful, but not for the reason you’d guess. I busted out the door of my office, hustled up the block to get my daughter a final time from daycare, and sped off (figuratively – baby on board) to a rehearsal dinner.

We were in a wedding that weekend that attracted out-of-town in-laws whom I’d never met before. I strolled into the cocktail party, grabbed a glass of cab sav, and began mingling. 

Heading into that evening, I failed to consider how many times ‘what you do for a living’ comes up during small talk. My friends, this is precisely where we head off the rails.

The first time someone innocently asked me what I did for a living, I realized my usual schtick about working in investments was outdated. I fumbled to explain myself, certainly with more detail than my counterpart bargained for, launching into some confusing explanations that sounded more like I had the fugue.

“I run the financial planning department for a big investment firm. Well, I did anyway – *looks at watch twice* – until about three hours ago. As of right now, I guess I’m a stay-at-home mom. So I’m not really sure what I do. I’m hoping to start a website that helps other moms invest their family’s money. So, I might be a blogger?”

Like you might imagine, my arduous response to this reflexive question was met with a lot of polite smiling, blinking, and obligatory congratulations before awkwardly transitioning to the next subject.

Who had I just become in the matter of a few hours? My job was a large part of my identity for the last decade.

Lindsey:

This is such a common feeling among stay-at-home moms. We work decades towards a career goal, and *poof* – just like that our identity shifts. 

It’s not something most women even consider – until it happens. We think we can compartmentalize our identities. But the truth is, that’s very hard to do. 

We are a beautiful culmination of things that overlap and intertwine. When one of our identities changes, the rest of our identities change with it. 

Our priorities shift, our time is allocated differently, we lose relationships with work besties, and we might even feel like we have lost a sense of purpose.

And while we now get that coveted time with our babies, the change is difficult to adjust to. 

Suggested Coping Skills:

Here are a couple things Madi could do to feel more at ease in her new identity as a stay-at-home mama:

✔️ Show yourself some compassion

Firstly, Madi needs to give herself time and grace to process the change. Going from working mom to stay-at-home is a big adjustment.

Remember when your baby arrived and you, in an instant, added a new label to the list of identities: MOM. It probably didn’t feel totally real for awhile. And it definitely changed every other aspect of who you are as a person.

I distinctly remember, 2 weeks after my daughter was born, my husband and I were having a chat. We mutually agreed it felt a little bit like we were on this extended baby-sitting stint. Awaiting the day her real, more-equipped parents were going to show up.

Like I mentioned above, our identities are intertwined and connected. Showing yourself compassion throughout the transition is necessary for success.

✔️ Don’t compare current you to a past version of yourself

Madi went from a 10-plus year career as a financial planner and analyst to becoming a stay-at-home mom. Chances are, she felt pretty confident in her abilities as a CFP/CPA.

I would also be willing to bet she didn’t feel as confident on day one, day ten, or even day 100 as she did on day 1,000. The same is true for becoming a stay-at-home mama.

There is this myth floating around that says, because we are biologically analogous with our children, that somehow we know exactly what they want and need. False, my friends.

I do believe as parents, we know our children best and that we are the best parents for our children. But, and this is a Sir Mix-a-Lot size BUTT, there is no way to know what our children need in any given moment. They are their own, unique, independently functioning little beings.

We are not always going to get it right. Especially not right away. There is a huge learning curve that goes into your new role as full-time mama.

Surprise 2: I suddenly felt anxious about spending money

Despite being a financial expert, Madi started to feel badly for spending money.

Madi:

When I left my full-time job, I knew my family was financially prepared to operate on one income. On paper, I was ready to transition to being a stay-at-home mom.

I’ve always been a somewhat frugal adult with mild baseline anxiety about spending money. Under our previous circumstances – when I was earning a paycheck of my own – my anxiety felt manageable. Maybe even healthy. (Lindsey, IDK, is it?!) Knowing that your next direct deposit hits every two weeks has a calming effect.

Now, despite having a budget with clear spending guidelines, I still feel a twinge of anxiety each time I buy something. Especially when that something could be categorized as a discretionary purchase. It’s a tortured way to live when you make, like, 90% of your family’s purchase decisions!

Even though my husband has never once said, implied, or (from what I can tell) thought as much, I have this unfounded feeling that I’m spending his money.

You see, I’ve spent my career thinking about money. It has literally been my day job for the past decade. If anyone is capable of being unemotional about it, it should be me. Yet here I am, actively grappling with my feelings.

Part of me wonders if I can’t shake this anxious tendency because it was lying dormant in me – medicated by my earnings – my entire adult life.

Lindsey:

It shouldn’t come as a surprise, financial stress is one of the main sources of anxiety for Americans. In fact, Rachel Richards and I talk about this in my book, I Got 99 Coping Skills and Being a B*tch Ain’t One. 

Millions of people experience financial stress, impacting their mental and physical health.

Madi, under your circumstance, you did everything right. Your family is financially literate, healthy, and stable. Something all too many people can’t relate to. 

And yes, to answer your earlier question, it is completely normal – and even healthy – to have some small anxieties about finances. Anxiety, believe it or not, can be a motivator for financial stability.

But, the first thought I had while discussing your financial anxiety was about how you were raised. Was there financial insecurities? Was there open dialogue? Can you give me a little more insight?

Madi:

Both of my parents have worked for our family manufacturing business for my entire life. By all measures, I had a privileged childhood. We were financially stable, but there was a constant underlying tension of how the business was doing. It’s not something we openly discussed, but I sensed it.

Another layer to my onion is that I’m the oldest of four siblings by about eight years. Being the oldest, I think I was aware enough to notice the stress that growing your family can bring, financially and otherwise.

Finally, not dissimilar to my parents, I’m a business owner during my own child-rearing years.

Lindsey:

I love family constellations and dynamics! So interesting and thank you for sharing. It gives me more insight into your [financial] background, which I think is really important.

Usually, I’d be talking to people about logistics of how to actually be more financially literate. But Madi’s got that down.

Madi has had concrete reason to feel stable and certain in her financial life. It feels really good to have that security. Like she said, there is a calming effect to direct deposit. Plus, contributing to your family’s financial future is rewarding and gives you purpose.

Unfortunately, stay-at-home motherhood doesn’t get the same recognition and validation. I’d consider digging a little deeper into your own feelings and biases about what it means to be a stay-at-home mama.

Suggested Coping Skills

Here are some things Madi could do to feel less anxious about her new financial situation:

✔️ Look at the facts

There are many facts to be considered in this circumstance:

Fact: You are financially secure.

Fact: You are new to being dependent on your husband’s sole income.

Fact: Providing your family with financial security does afford certain opportunities. And so does being a stay-at-home mom.

If you don’t believe me. Read the research.

This article finds that students’ increased GPA is “largely driven by mother’s reduced labor force participation and not by changes in family income or father’s labor force participation.”

Another article, quotes Jane Waldfogel of Columbia University Schools of Social Work saying, “The care that young children receive from their parents and carers lays the foundation not just for their physical growth and health, but also for their cognitive and emotional growth and development.”

It goes on to explain that, “Significant difference in a child’s mental health, well-being and development when at least one parent is present at all times, compared to those children who have both parents working at the same time.”

You may not be directly contributing to your child’s financial future. But you are encouraging her mental, emotional, and physical health. All of which have a profound impact on her financial health.

*Let me be very clear here, I do not think being a stay-at-home mom is superior to being a working mom.* I do think, however, that if you want to be a stay-at-home mom, and can make it work, there are ample benefits for your kiddos.

✔️ Recognize when you are catastrophizing

Catastrophizing is when we assume the worst in a given situation. In part, Madi is doing this. Especially when making those [discretionary] purchases. She is catastrophizing about where that money could be better allocated.

When you notice your tendency to catastrophize creeping in, play this game: For every catastrophizing thought you have, come up with an equally as extreme positive outcome. I’ll give you a couple examples:

Catastrophizing thought: I shouldn’t buy this $20 toy because that money could, instead, go to college funding.

Positive reversal: I want to buy this $20 toy for my baby because it could provide her with hours of fun and helps develop her fine-motor skills.

Let’s do another one.

Catastrophizing thought: I need to be contributing to my child’s financial future, otherwise they won’t have healthy money habits when they are older.

Positive reversal: Being home with my child is providing developmental benefits. It’s improving her emotional intelligence, which I know is actually one of the best predictors of my child’s success in life.

It’s likely you’ve catastrophized – maybe to varying degrees – your entire life. It isn’t going to go away overnight. But this activity should be the swift kick in the ass you’ve been waiting for.

Surprise 3: I still feel time-scarce

Madi still feels like there isn’t enough time in the day.

Madi:

My hunch is that you’re familiar with the relentless hamster wheel that is shuffling to daycare/work, bedtime routine, sleep, and repeat. For me, that cycle felt relentless and impossible.

Five days a week, I spent about one hour of awake time with my daughter. (That’s not counting the 45 minutes she usually screamed in her rear-facing car seat during our commute together.)

Even during the most straightforward workweeks – ones that stayed roughly in the confines of 40 hours – the way I was spending my time wasn’t adding up. There just wasn’t enough of it. I wanted to be with her more.

Today, after being a stay-at-home mom for about five months, I have more perspective. I feel much more content spending the majority of my time with my daughter, but I still can’t shake this feeling of not having enough time.

Only now, it’s reversed. I find myself doing the nap-time hustle, feverishly typing blog posts into my keyboard and managing my website while she sleeps.

“Wherever I go, there I am.” This Confucious quote means you can change your setting and situation all you want, but you’re the constant variable. 

I’m realizing, for the first time, that I’m the reason that I always feel time scarce. I’m not sure how to handle that.

Lindsey:

Firstly, to validate your feelings, I’m not sure we will ever have enough time with our babies. I mean sure, we have rough days. But all-in-all, it’s true what they say: The days are long, but the years are short. 

One thing that immediately comes to mind is how are you staying present in the moment? 

We live in such a hustle and bustle culture. It’s so easy to get lost in our to-do lists: Go to the grocery store, cook dinner, switch the laundry, check car insurance rates, be the calendar-keeper. The list is never-ending.

Not to mention the society imposed stress of doing it all “the right way.” Play with the toddler. Be engaged. But make sure she has independent play. And absolutely no screen time – you’ll wreck her brain. Oh, you want help? So you’re showing signs of weakness? 

It’s exhausting. 

Our mental mess gets overwhelmed and put on overdrive. And it’s hard to turn off the engine and just sit idle for a while.

Madi:

You’ve just perfectly summarized my inner-monologue. Truthfully, I don’t have deliberate techniques up my sleeve outside of locking my phone away. 

Don’t get me wrong – throughout the day we have so many moments when we’re enveloped in our own little world together. But, those moments are often abruptly interrupted by my intrusive, to-do list thoughts.

Lindsey:

Yes! Locking your phone away is a great start. I’ll speak more about that below. I have some other tricks up my sleeve, too. Read on!

Suggested Coping Skills:

Here are some things Madi could do to feel like she has more time:

✔️ Keep your phone tucked away

Madi is already doing this, but it bears repeating.

At this point, our phones are like an additional appendage of our bodies. Attached to us at all times. It takes intentionality and purpose to keep our phones in another room or locked in a drawer somewhere.

In addition, I like to keep a pad of paper nearby. That way, if I have a thought about something I need to add to my to-do list or research later that evening, I just write it down. It’s important to get the thought out of my head in order to stay present where my feet are.

✔️ Do some grounding activities

No, I am not sending you to your room for doing something bad. In this case, grounding is a form of mindfulness, which simply means being aware of one’s self.

Grounding techniques are simple, effective ways to help you feel more connected to the world around you. This quick form of mindfulness helps redirect a racing mind, and welcomes you back into the present. It can typically be done anywhere, at any time, without anyone even knowing you’re doing it.

My favorite grounding technique is called the 5-4-3-2-1 method. Take a deep breath, and have a simple check in with your five senses.

Notice 5 things you see, 4 things you physically feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste (or 1 thing that brings you joy, if you don’t taste that minty toothpaste any longer).

We are not used to checking in with ourselves (a not-so-great feature of the busy American way of life). As with all things, the more you practice, the more natural this will become.

✔️ Make a Sh*t List

I’m a list person. In fact, the only way I accomplish anything is if it’s on a to-do list. Over the course of time, I have noticed some things about my lists. 

Some tasks are checked off within a couple hours, other tasks take a few days to complete, and some tasks have been procrastinated for literal years. 

I wish I was exaggerating, but “Re-Organize Filing Cabinet” had been on our household to-do list for almost four years, and we just accomplished it. FOUR YEARS, people. After recognizing that, I came up with a plan. It’s called The Shit List.

In order for a task to make it on The Shit List it must meet two basic requirements: 

1. You detest the line item, and 
2. The task doesn’t have a timestamp on it. 

The reason behind these requirements is simple. If you like a task, you’ll accomplish it quickly. And if the task has to be completed in a timely manner (even if you don’t want to do it), like “Pay City Citation,” for example, then it sure as hell can’t take you three years to complete it. Unless you want a warrant out for your arrest. Your call. 

I first discovered the magic of The Shit List Day in 2019. As much as we dreaded the actual day, we quickly realized how good it felt to finally accomplish daunting tasks. This is the basic premise of A Shit List Day:

1. Every six months, my husband and I take a day off of work with the pure intention of completing the tasks on our Shit List. 
2. We ask Grammy for help with our toddler to minimize distractions.
3. My husband uses PTO on these designated days because it’s much easier to get paid to complete Shit List tasks and some of the items on the Shit List require businesses to be open.
4. We will treat the day like a work day. Meaning, we will get up early, take bathroom and water breaks as needed, take a lunch break, and work until about 5:00. 
5. At the end of our Shit Day, we will treat ourselves to a well-deserved dinner out at our favorite restaurant. Complete with a margarita for a job well done.

On our last Shit List Day, we got things done around the house, we listed unwanted items for sale, we made it to the abominable DMV, we scheduled appointments that were long overdue. The list goes on. 

So there ya have it. I encourage you to plan your Shit List Day now. Gear up, buttercup. You got shit to do. 

The Wrap Up: How to Transition Into Stay-at-Home Motherhood

Transitioning from working mom to stay-at-home mom is no walk in the park.

Yes, we get that time with our babies that we so desperately want. But it comes with other physical, emotional, and mental demands – often that we aren’t expecting.

The bottom line: Whether you’re a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, or a work-from-home mom, it all comes with challenges.

Let’s be kind and support each other in the process.

Read next: 25 Qualities of a Good Mother