5 Shitty Things to Know About Babies (2023)

Babies are snuggly, cute little bundles of joy… that shit. Everyone talks about the delight that babies bring, yet seemingly forget to discuss the gross that comes along for the ride. Here are 5 Shitty Things to Know About Babies:

1. Invest in dark-colored baby clothes

When I was pregnant, people constantly told me “Don’t buy too many baby clothes.” Um, yeah right. That’s so unrealistic. I was expecting my first child, over the moon about it, and wanted to buy all the things. What I didn’t know was the kind of clothes to buy.

Here’s a fact: babies poop. A lot. And that poop goes from their head to their toes. Yes, I’m talkin’ big, bad blowouts. It’s gross, and it’s one of the many glamorous motherhood moments you need to prepare for.

After an especially shitty shit, I tossed out the onesie and called it a day. But if you don’t want to completely break the bank, buy as many dark-colored clothes as possible.

Navy, maroon, black, slate, plum, forest green, magenta to name a few. Believe me, when it comes time to clean the blowouts, it’s much less likely to stain and show through deep purple than dusty rose.

2. Zippers, zippers, and more (two-way) zippers

I’ll be the first to admit, I thought I was going to be the mom to dress my baby girl in the cutesy little outfits. Bloomers, bows, and bandana bibs galore. In reality, she wore footed sleeper pajamas for like the first five months of her life (so. much. easier.).

In the case of the previously mentioned blowouts, unsnapping onesies then pulling said poopy onesie over your baby’s head is revolting. Do yourself a favor and get two-way zipper footies.

You’ll thank me at 2am when you don’t have to snap one million snaps and drag poop across your baby. You’ll also thank me at 11am because snaps are fucking awful at any time of the day. These are my favorite: Two-Way Zipper Jammies.

3. Invest in changing table covers:

On average, you’ll be changing diapers 10 times per day. About half of those will be poop diapers. The poop is runny and wet and will spread onto butt cheeks, backs, and beyond.

While changing your wiggly little nugget, you’re likely to get poop on your changing pad cover. Instead of swapping out the changing pad cover every time, just throw one of these liners on top.

I keep 6 of them rolled up in the bottom drawer of the dresser. Anytime a little poo sneaks its way onto the liner, toss it in the dirty clothes bin and unroll the next.
I use these: Waterproof Changing Pad Liners.

4. Different diapers fit differently

I also received advice to buy a bunch of diapers leading up to the baby’s arrival. It makes sense to spread out the cost a bit. But we quickly learned, not all diapers are created equal.

Some run small. Some run big. Some have wider leg holes, which means our skinny mini baby’s poop would run right down her little thighs. Before you go all haywire, wait to see what diapers fit your baby’s body best.

5. Pack a car bag with an extra set of clothes for yourself

You will get pooped on. It’s a right of passage into parenthood. This has happened to me on several occasions.

Once, as we were walking into a family event, boom splat, shit. Luckily my sister-in-law lent me a pair of leggings, but not all circumstances are so lucky.

Do yourself a solid, and keep a bag with extra clothes in your car. In my shit-on bag, I keep an old pair of leggings, athletic shorts, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt. It’s nothing too fancy, but I have been saved many a time by the shit-on bag’s contents.

Despite all the shit, she’s still pretty damn cute

The Wrap Up: 5 Shitty Things to Know About Babies

There ya go, the down and dirty for all the stinky. If you’re looking for more real, raw motherhood chats, check out some of my other posts!