5 Realistic Expectations for a Stay-At-Home Mom
The application process to become a stay-at-home mom looks a lot different than any other job.
You didn’t peruse LinkedIn, find a job that matched your qualifications, read the job description, and submit an application knowing full well what was to be expected of you.
Because becoming a stay-at-home mom is nothing like climbing the corporate ladder.
When you become a stay-at-home mom, you don’t get the neatly bulleted outline of a job specification. There is no manager to provide a performance review. And forget having a manual of company policies.
Instead, we’re just winging it. Hoping and wishing we are doing this whole stay-at-home mom thing right.
And if we’re not, well, there is only the small matter of messing up our kids for life, right? No pressure.
The Conundrum: Realistic Expectations for a Stay-At-Home Mom
Over the last few decades, we’ve done a really good job of telling young girls and women that they can have and do it all. But that same narrative hasn’t been to told to young boys and men.
So it’s created confusion about who needs to be doing what.
Related Reading: How Much Should Your Husband Help With Baby?
Let’s take a peek into the past because it does a really good job of explaining the conundrum.
Traditionally – think housewife circa 1950 – a woman stayed home with the kids. She was expected to keep the house clean and tidy, cook all the meals, and have her husband’s clothes laundered and pressed, ready for his workday.
The man was expected to go to work and pay the bills. Despite women running the house, men were the head of the household.
Now-a-days, things are a bit different. Gender roles aren’t as clearly defined as they once were. Many women want to work outside of the home, and some men want to stay home.
And thanks to hustle culture, more and more stay-at-home moms are feeling like it’s not enough – that being a stay-at-home mom isn’t productive or important.
The truth is, we’ve built a society that undervalues stay-at-home moms. And because of that, stay-at-home moms can’t just be stay-at-home moms.
They need to be doing it all, all the time.
But we can’t be doing it all, all the time. It’s not realistic. And it’s not sustainable. Having that mentality is why so many stay-at-home moms feel completely burnt out.
All this to say, it’s really confusing. Where does the role of stay-at-home mom end and housewife begin? What are the realistic expectations of a stay-at-home mom?
5 Realistic Expectations for a Stay-At-Home Mom
Because we want to avoid burnout, here are 5 realistic expectations for a stay-at-home mom:
1. Feed Your Kids
The first realistic expectations of being a stay-at-home mom is to meet your kids basic needs: food, water, shelter.
Your job as a mom is to nourish your kids. Ideally with nutritious foods that will keep them healthy and energized. (But if they refuse everything except buttered noodles for a week, so be it.)
2. Read to Your Kids
Another realistic expectation of a stay-at-home mom is to read to your children. Reading out loud with your kids has many incredible benefits.
Some of these benefits include supporting language development, building empathy and emotional awareness, increasing the parent-child bond and connection, and more.
Reading with your kids is a great way to learn together, relax hyper bodies, and get really good snuggles (my personal favorite).
3. Play with Your Kids
Play is your child’s job. And as a stay-at-home mom, it’s expected that you support your child’s ability to do their job.
But if you just thought to yourself, “I hate nothing more than playing imaginary dragons with my kids.” You’re not alone. I get it.
I have good news for you: Imaginative play is not the only type of play. Imaginative play is great for creativity, critical thinking, and problem solving. But so is playing with things like LEGO or Magna-Tiles.
You can play games, sports, make a treasure hunt, build a fort, or simply go for a walk in nature. There are endless ways to play with your kids. And regardless of how you play, it’s expected that you do.
4. Take Your Kids Outside
The fourth realistic expectation of a stay-at-home mom is to get your kids outside as often as possible. There are both physical and mental benefits of getting your kids outside.
Kids who spend time outdoors are less likely to develop serious and chronic ailments like heart disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes later in life.
Being outside also lowers children obesity rates, naturally improves sleep, and enhances their ability to concentrate.
And many studies agree that spending time outside reduces anxiety and boosts your mood. All the while having little to no negative ramifications.
This isn’t exactly ground-breaking information. We know getting our kids outside, in the fresh air, is undoubtably good for them. But it can be a difficult task, no less.
If you’re having trouble getting your kids outside, I highly recommend reading the book: There’s No Such Thing As Bad Weather by Linda Åkeson McGurk. It’s incredibly informative and motivational.
5. Love Your Kids
This should be fairly obvious, but as a stay-at-home mom you are realistically expected to love your children.
One of the best qualities a mom can have is being loving toward her kids – both at their worst and at their best. You don’t always have to like them, but you do have to love them 😉
How to Set Realistic Expectations for a Stay-At-Home Mom
If you didn’t notice, the above list is all about your kids. Because your job, as a stay-at-home mom, is to focus on your kids. To feed them, play with them, entertain them, and teach them, and love them.
Here’s the secret to setting realistic expectations for a stay-at-home mom. It’s all about communication and mindset.
Those two things – communication and mindset – matter more than anything else. So this is what you need to do in order to have the realistic expectations:
Communicate with your partner
Each household is going to have different expectations for what being a stay-at-home mom entails.
Just because you’re a stay-at-home mom doesn’t mean you should be doing all the chores of the house. But it’s not a free pass to do none of them, either.
The problem is the assumption that because you’re home with the kids, that you will automatically do all the chores, too.
Maybe you enjoying listening to a podcast while folding the laundry. Perhaps you hate doing the dishes, but it’s a chore your partner doesn’t mind.
Maybe your other half enjoys pushing the vacuum around, and it’s something you detest. Meanwhile you’re fine with cleaning the bathroom.
Make a plan for what is going to work for you, your partner, and your family as a whole.
How to communicate with your partner
Talking with your partner about the role of a stay-at-home mom is necessary for everyone to be on the same page of understanding. Here are a couple things you can do:
✔️ Remember expectations are often self-imposed
We’ve made it clear that expectations of stay-at-home moms often get blown out of proportion. But the reality is, many time these expectations are self-imposed.
We can’t assume what our partner is thinking, feeling, or expecting of us.
When you start the conversation, remember that it’s possible all the expectations of being a stay-at-home mom might have come from your own mind.
✔️ Be open, honest, and kind
If you’re feeling the overwhelming pressure of being a stay-at-home mom, tell your partner in an open, honest, and kind way. He can’t read your mind.
Start with something like, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by all the things I feel I’m expected to do. Is now a good time to talk about it?”
Set the bar lower
When we set the bar really high – expecting that we get all the chores done, leave the house spotless, and grow our kids into thriving human beings – and then end the day barely getting one thing done, we feel like a failure.
Setting the bar too high puts us on the fast track to guilt, shame, and burnout.
I know this can be really challenging, especially for high-achieving women, but it’s time to start setting the bar lower.
When we set our expectations in the realistic zone, we are more likely to accomplish our daily goals, and feel happy, proficient, and a sense of pride.
How to set the bar lower
Because making realistic expectations can be hard for some of us, here are things you can do to set the bar lower:
✔️ Write only one goal to accomplish
At the end of each night, write one goal you’d like to accomplish the next day. Just one. It can be something like, “Catch up on the laundry” or “Return our library books.”
That’s it.
✔️ Don’t be rigid in your plans
Being a stay-at-home mom looks different every day. Not necessarily because the job is different. But because emotions are different.
You might wake up with a smiling, happy kid. Or he might wake up on the wrong side of the crib and be a grumpy little monkey.
Have an idea of what you want to do for the day. But you can set the bar lower by knowing that plans change and that’s okay.
Realistic Expectations for a Stay-At-Home Mom: Q&A
These are many commonly asked questions about realistic expectations for a stay-at-home mom. Here are the answers to all your questions:
How can I be a happy mom:
Two things on this:
- Know that being happy is fluid. It’s an emotion like that other that ebbs and flows. The hope is we are happy more often than not. But you won’t feel happy all the time.
- You are in charge of your own happiness. If you’re not feeling happy, ask yourself what needs to change.
Related Reading: How to Be a Happy Mom: 7 New Ideas
What do stay-at-home moms struggle with most?
Stay-at-home moms often struggle with find the balance between what is expected of them and doing too much.
If you’re doing too much and not taking time for yourself, it will lead to burnout.
Why don’t I feel fulfilled as a stay-at-home mom?
It’s quite normal to not feel fulfilled as a stay-at-home mom. Being a stay-at-home mom is a hard task. And oftentimes, it’s a thankless job and you’re undervalued.
If you’re feeling this way, talk to your partner or a friend about it. And make a plan to prioritize your needs.
The Wrap Up: Realistic Expectations for a Stay-At-Home Mom
It’s time to start having realistic expectations as a stay-at-home mom. Your job is to take care of the kids. Feed them, read to them, play with them, take them outside, and love them.
Your job is not to maintain the entire household. Talk with your partner about what you can realistically do and find what works for your family. Set the bar a little lower to feel more accomplished.
You got this, mama!
Read next: How to Be a Happy Mom: 7 New Ideas