Feeling Unattractive After Having a Baby + What to Do About It
Do you wrap up in a towel immediately after a shower so you don’t see your jiggling belly? Do you avoid looking in the mirror, angry at your stretch marks and scars? Do you hear the words, “I hate my postpartum body” on repeat in your head?
Welcome to the club, my friend.
It took me weeks to look in a full-length mirror after having my second child. Six to be exact.
And when I finally had the courage to do so, I burst into tears. I saw a deflated, wrinkled tummy. Dark scars in the wake of my ectopic pregnancy. And stretch marks streaking my breasts, stomach, and thighs.
I was repulsed by my own reflection.
Why Do I Feel Unattractive After Having A Baby?
After a day of feeling downright shitty about my mom bod, I just kept thinking, “I don’t want to feel this way.“
I had to dig a little deeper.
I asked myself: “Why do I feel so unattractive after having a baby?“
The answer was fairly obvious.
We grew up in a world where beauty is measured by the thinness of our waist, the thickness of our hair, and fullness of our breasts.
We watched Victoria Secret models strut up and down a runway, wondering what we needed to do to look like them.
We were bombarded by advertisements of diet pills and fad diets, promising quick and easy ways to lose weight. Then, and only then, would we be happy in our skin.
It’s no wonder we feel ugly after having a baby. What I see now looks nothing like what I have been trained to find beautiful.
My dimpled thighs could be compared to the Grand Canyon. My flabby belly resembles Jell-O in an earthquake. And thanks to postpartum hair loss, my receding hairline rivals that of Jude Law’s.
These things are most definitely not revered in our culture.
To make matters worse, during pregnancy many of us have never felt more beautiful. People tell us we’re glowing and our pregnant belly, growing and expanding, is a miracle.
Then, in the snap of a finger (or several hours of labor), our deflated, sagging bellies are no longer the pinnacle of beauty.
There is so much pressure to get our pre-pregnancy body back and to lose the baby weight. We’re expected to “bounce back” practically overnight. If we don’t it’s considered lazy, careless, or “have let ourselves go.”
Are we still questioning why we feel so ugly after having a baby?
Postpartum hair loss at it’s finest
Feeling Disconnected From My Husband After A Baby
And then there is the matter if our husbands…
The way we feel about ourselves leaks into our relationships.
We might not realize it, but we think: “If I don’t think I’m beautiful, how could he?” Even when he compliments me, I don’t believe him.
We start to feel really disconnected from our husbands really quickly.
Is it normal to feel unloved after having a baby?
Babies bring a whole new element to a relationship. One that is almost impossible to understand before actually entering the phase of parenting. And it is very common to feel unloved after having a baby.
Your whole identity shifts when you become a mom. It’s all-consuming. You’re expected to put your baby’s needs before everything else.
And that includes your marriage.
The freedom to snuggle up on a Saturday morning, drinking coffee and watching movies is out the window. Long, romantic dinners with flirtatious conversations is a thing of the past. And you don’t even know what spontaneity feels like anymore.
You’re tired. You’re overwhelmed. You’re irritable. And you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin, much less sexy.
It’s easy to see why we feel disconnected and unloved once a baby enters the equation.
Men’s perspectives:
I was curious to know how new dads were feeling. So I asked them to describe how they see their partner’s postpartum body. There were some the responses:
“Our relationship has changed since having our baby. She [my wife] doesn’t want me to touch her, and that’s really hard. I love her and her body looks great to me.”
James C. from Ohio
“My wife is beautiful. Her body did incredible things. Growing and birthing a baby – it’s amazing.”
AJ K. from Minnesota (AKA my husband)
“I have no problem with my wife’s body. My biggest problem is that she cares so much about how she looks. She’s stunning. If only she could see that, we’d be better off.”
Aaron H. from Michigan
After talking to these dad’s it became so obvious to me: They don’t see our bodies as ugly.
Rather, as new moms, we project our insecurities onto our partners.
How Can I Feel Attractive Again After Having A Baby?
So, here’s the biggest and most important question of all: How can I feel attractive again after having a baby?
I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
It’s not about our bodies. It’s about our mindset.
Practical Tips: How To Stop Hating Your Body After Having A Baby
It may seem like an impossible task, but it is possible to love your postpartum body. Here are some practical ways to change your mindset.
After all, aren’t we sick of being at war with our own bodies?
1. Recite Positive Affirmations
Affirmations, sometimes referred to as positive self-talk, is a great way to change your inner dialogue. Thereby, changing your mindset.
When we speak kindly to ourselves, we challenge and ultimately triumph over self-sabotaging thoughts.
Try using phrases like: “I am capable and strong” or “I am beautiful in every single way. Yes, words can’t bring me down” or my personal favorite, “My brain is my best feature, followed by my impeccable ass.”
Using positive self-talk is one of those exercises that we have heard about and probably even believe to be true, but rarely do we actually perform daily affirmations.
I challenge you to fix that.
Say these words to yourself every day. Write them down in your journal or on post-its. Recite them over and over again.
If you want to stop hating your body, this is the first step.
Thought reframe is a necessary step in fixing how you feel about your body.
Have you ever heard someone say, “She’s really let herself go” when describing a mom bod? It has a negative connotation to it. But we can change that.
What if instead of “She let herself go” we change it to “She let herself grow”?
She let herself grow into the person she was meant to be
Becoming a mom allows us to grow into the person we are meant to be. Grow your love for yourself. Expand what beauty looks like.
3. Stop Weighing Yourself
If you want to start loving yourself again, stop weighing yourself. Better yet, throw the damn scale away.
We get so caught up in the idea that a number on the scale defines our worth. And that simply isn’t true.
We think, “If only I weighed 130 pounds, then I’d be happy.” I’m calling bullsh*t.
I want my worthiness to be defined by things like how I show up for my family and friends. And how much good I put into the world. Not by some stupid number.
The bottom line: The number on the scale means diddily-squat.
4. Shoot for Body-Neutral Before Body-Positive
If you’re feeling way down in the dumps about your body, it’s unlikely you are going to jump right in to loving it.
Everything starts with baby steps. And the first baby step is body neutrality.
Body neutrality is defined by the New York Times as “the ability to accept and respect your body even if it isn’t the way you’d prefer it to be.”
Having a better appreciation for the things your body is capable of, rather than constantly putting it down for the way it looks, will undoubtedly help refocus your thoughts.
I appreciate that my body allows me to take my kids hiking
Read more about body neutrality in the book, The Body Joyful
5. Shift Your Focus to How You Feel (not how you look)
We put a lot of stock into how we look. But when is the last time you asked yourself: “How do I feel?“
I’m not talking about emotions (though that’s important, too). I’m talking about how to do physically feel in your body. What feels good? What aches or pains do you have? What would feel better?
Here’s a quick exercise: Do a body scan, focusing on how you feel in every area of your body.
Start and your toes. Work your way up your legs. Then into your back, shoulders, and arms. End with your neck, jaw, and face.
Think about what parts of your body feel good, strong, and healthy.
After all, that’s the focus.
The Wrap Up: Feeling Unattractive After Having A Baby
There are many things we can do to stop feeling unattractive after having a baby.
First, we start with awareness about why we feel badly about ourselves. Next, we understand how that impacts other areas of our lives (i.e. our marriage). Finally, we decide to change our mindset.
